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| So my leg kinda doesn't work so good. ...Just kidding. My leg is actually almost entirely back to normal at this point. Still a little stiff, but at least I'm not hobbling around campus anymore. But allow me to clarify. Saturday was our spring Gashuka. We all headed down to Rockville (after some typical bus shenanigans) at about 9:15, naturally with about 4 hours of sleep under our belts, because it's physically impossible to go to sleep early on a weekend here at college. Anywho, we arrived, changed, and began our Temashiwara (to test by breaking) seminar. This lasted a couple of hours and was much fun. Then it was time for kumite. We had a general group sparring ring, which was fine. Then it was our turn. Adam, Balaban, and myself were all going up for green belt. They formed three seperate rings and we were off. I was fine for the first couple of minutes. But then I got some good gut shots, and my wind was gone. With my wind gone, my speed was gone too. In essence, for the next 7 or so minutes, I could do nothing but stand there as I got the shit kicked out of me. Quite literally it was the worst beating I've ever recieved in my entire life. My left leg has been seized up for the past two days, with a large purple knot on the side of it. My torso looks like a lost masterpiece from Picasso's Blue Era. My hands and arms are solidly bruised all along the bone. I was kicked in the head, on the ground, and everywhere in between. It was brutal. My reaction to this is bittersweet. On the one hand, I'm ashamed. In the ring, when things started to go bad, the pain took over, and I couldn't shake it off. All I tried to do was not to get hit (not that it helped). Rather than actually fight back, I could do little else than take a beating. Which is unacceptable. Any fat fuck can take a hit and stay up. I'm supposed to be hitting back. In that sense, I'm disappointed in myself. On the other hand, I'm glad it happened. Not because I enjoy pain. But because now I know how much work I still have to do. I plan to go for purple belt in the summer. The sparring portion of that test is twice as long and much more unforgiving. More people fail their purple belt test than any other colored belt. It's designed that way, because the belt signifies an awakening, the first step on the road towards your black belt. And as it stands, I'm not ready. I need to become more than twice as strong as I am now if I hope to come through it and be able to keep my feet. So I'm glad I got a beating, and glad that every time I took a step yesterday, I felt weak. Because I am. I'm still so weak. But this pain is a reminder, and more than that, a promise to myself. A reminder of how far I have yet to go, and a promise that I will not, will NOT, allow this to happen again. Bokuwa yowai. But no more. En Taro Adun | | |
| :: The sound of my brain exploding out the side of my head :: Later | | |
| There's an awful churning sensation in my stomach, and I'm pretty sure it has nothing to do with all the alcohal I drank last night. Well, not entirely anyway... It really baffles me how some people seem to be able to make decisions so easily. The way they can simply alter the course of their lives, often drastically, and feel no doubt or remorse. I have no idea how to do that. I wish someone would clue me in. Or write a damn book about it. But perhaps they're simply faking it, and they have as much doubt as I do. I'm a planner, and (I'll admit it), a worrier. I check the angles. I try to factor in the most plausible scenarios ahead of time. So when it comes time for me to make a call about my life, I can't help but try to think ten steps ahead in all directions. And then, when I finally commit to something, I can't stop myself from looking back. What if, what if, what if... Have two little words ever caused so much confusion before? (Well, maybe a few have). "What if" kills me. It's like I swallowed a vial of battery acid. And all I want to do is take back every choice I've ever made so I can puke it all up. And I can't even tell if I made the right call. Recently. Or ever. It's entirely likely that I'm so goddamned retarded that all I'm doing is making my life shitier and shitier. I don't know how to fix it...if it CAN be fixed. And that feeling churns me up...so I puke. Literally and figuratively. I just hope that it'll help it go away... | | |
| What? What do you mean this thing is still around? Are you serious? You can still fucking use this thing? Oh HELLS yeah | | |
| Ok, as promised, I'm gonna do a goddamn entry even if it kills me. So if anyone happens to hear of my untimely demise, now you know... ANYWAY. I'm back home for fall break. School kicked my ass pretty hardcore during the last two weeks, so I've been taking some time off to geek-it-up lately with good old fashioned video games. At times I start to feel like I should actually get up and DO something during my time off, so I fight the evil feeling off by grabbing another cookie (fat kid moment!). I feel as though I've become stuck. It's not that anything is really wrong, in point of fact life has been better than I can remember it being for some time now, but I'm not getting done what I need to get done. I try to work to improve myself, and I have been, and it has made a difference, but lately I've hit a wall. This puzzled and frustrated me to end for awhile, but I finally figured out what the problem was. I realized that though I said improving was the most important thing to me, I haven't been acting like it. I've been working, to be sure, but I haven't been devoting 100, or even 90 or 80 % of my free time to this goal. If I want to get better, then that's what I should be doing. Period. No slacking, not even a little, or I won't be able to do what I want to do. This, obviously presents some problems. There's school, but that's not really the issue. Unfortunately, I may have to take away some of the other activities I've come to love on campus, such as the radio show, the play...I love them both, but right now it seems to be either/or, and I can't put this off any longer. I won't. I alos fear a lack of motivation. My laziness is something I've always had to fight, but lately it's seemed to magnify itself. Over the summer, I went through with the work I needed to get done. But now, when things have fallen into place...I fear that I may not be able to do anything worthwhile while I am happy. I pray that is not the case. I'm not entirely sure why I've written all this. I guess it's at least a little more poignant than saying what movies I've seen lately. At least I hope it is... On a random side notw, I think the time has come to finally retire my age-old sign off line. It's been up there for way to long, and the time has come to move on. It will be missed. But I think I've come up with an appropriate replacement. RIP, En Taro Adun. Wakarimasen Wish me luck, I suppose. I won't back down I will not bow... BELIEVE IT | | |
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